the reading...

well, the reading is over....and i don't know how i feel about it. i mean, i think that i did ok, speaking-wise except for the fact that my upper lip kept twitching which was annoying. i know now why i changed my major from piano performance in undergrad (which seems like a lifetime ago) because i hated the attention and the assessing eyes sitting in their chairs, listening to your words and deeming them something (either of worth or not or something in between). it's kind of funny because i don't feel this way when i'm teaching. i don't get nervous and i don't preoccupy myself with what i imagine people are thinking about me. oh well, needless to say, it's a bit of a downer this type of performing. it is also kind of fake. a lot of pretention and a lot of big ideas and let me see how "creative" i can be by saying words like "bitch," "cunt" or "dick." now mind you, i am the last person to criticize the use of language as a site of transgression and disruption but when the overall discourse uses words like the ones mentioned previously they cease being transgressive and start setting off boundaries of normalcy. these are words that we must use now in order for a piece to effectively and affectively participate within a "creative" project. it seems contrived to me but what do i know...i am not a poet nor am i a creative writer so needless to say i am stumped. i even asked for help from my creative writing friends who remained strangely silent...perhaps they were trying to spare my feelings, who knows but i was a little disappointed in them to say the least...oh well. if it were not for noah and beth being there to support me (and for marie and anj's helpful comments) i would be in sad shape...thanks guys :)