Monday, November 07, 2016

nothing's lost forever

for rhonda...i miss you



“Night flight to San Francisco; chase the moon across America. God, it’s been years since I was on a plane. When we hit 35,000 feet we’ll have reached the tropopause, the great belt of calm air, as close as I’ll ever get to the ozone. I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them and was repaired. Nothing’s lost forever. In this world, there’s a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that’s so.” 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America, Part Two: Perestroika

for rhonda part one

i teach writing, but i am not a writer. can i compare that to a tattoo artist who doesn't have a single tattoo on her/his body? there is an artist like that you know...somewhere in europe...maybe paris, yeah i think he lives in paris. anyway, is that an apt comparison? i love my art (or perhaps my profession) but not enough to commit my body to it. i don't think that i love anything that much.

i want to write something about my friend rhonda who has gone on. away. softly. but in this same instance...in the same paragraph even i change my mind. i don't want to or i find that i can't write about this loss, this absence now...or maybe i am narrating it anyway by not writing about it. with me, this sorrow seems to swim beneath the words. perhaps or because with me, grief can find no satisfying branch to perch on//no grammar to anchor it into place onto the page.