i'm going to start writing again...i promise...well maybe

ok so here i go again...took a little hiatus but now i'm back...well sort of.
i'm in the last year of my 30s and it's kind of freaking me out...i don't feel like i'm going to have a midlife crisis but one never knows. i do know that things start changing...the landscape becomes some how wider in scope i can look behind me and see somewhat of a trail...littered with bits and pieces of memories and of selves that i have either purposefully discarded or have accidentally lost along the way. landscapes are funny...they shift now more than ever or perhaps they always have but i was just unable to see or not able to notice...time also constructs itself differently...more fluid perhaps or maybe it is horizontal instead of vertical...a change in linearity...changes that i have never noticed before but now i'm noticing. i can't believe that i'm starting a new phase in my studies...i'm teaching my internship and i'm trying to figure things out. at the same time things that i thought were important seem trite and weary now....visions of significant others are losing their contours and shapes...becoming phantoms that lurk somewhere in the dark corner of my mind... do i want them to materialize or not? the flesh is willing but my mind tells me otherwise. i don't feel connected...arms outstretched in a kind of suspended animation...akimbo. friendships define and redefine themselves daily...subjectivity negotiation is difficult...nothing and i do mean nothing is stable...but then again has it ever been? maybe i'm waking up to myself or maybe i'm drifting closer to some psychic coma or psychic comma...being only half of a semicolon...and i don't realize it...maybe realization is impossible.