surrender and change

if i must learn anything thus far in my life it is this:
surrender to change and learn how to say goodbye

most of the time i don't like saying goodbye
to friends
to family
to "life" partners
because there's always a twinge of panicked desire to
make them stay
to keep them close to me
i am not perfect...i am difficult
i try to be honest
and i also try to accept other people's honesty
as hard as that can be sometimes

i disappoint others
i let them down
i am not who they want me to be for them
they ultimately are not what i desire
either
it hurts beyond belief
this letting go and saying goodbye but
if trust and safety are betrayed then
there is nothing else left to do but
to deeply sigh and get used to the change
or apologize for a double sided hurt
that is no one's fault and yet everyone is to blame.

i use language in an attempt to always further
my own liberation and sometimes this tactic backfires
sometimes it binds me further to
a life that i do not want or desire
a life of lack
or forced solitude
perhaps, even, exile

i have lost significant relationships this year
this has been the year of losing things
but it is also
a year of appreciation as well
of what i had
of smiling upon instances or times and memories
that have passed
that i can display as pictures with pewter frames
somewhere in the crevices of my mind

but i will also appreciate all that i have as well
to hold these things tightly
to say goodbye to those who need to move on
to appreciate the others who, for whatever reason,
choose to remain with me.

i surrender to this change
to this pruning
because i am growing
at the very instant that i am feeling
diminished