proposal and its lack

i have to write a dissertation proposal

how do i fill up this space?

or, better yet, how do i start to narrate a place
for myself.

this liminal threshold
this in-between-ness is quite stultifying

not that i have a writer's block or that i am unable to write...
because i can

i feel like an intellectual fraud
i notice my peers writing and moving toward something and that
their ideas are fresh
innovative

i'm stuck...not that i am without my ideas
but that my ideas really suck
and that my writing really
is a convoluted mess
and that this unfortunate circumstance
is quite lonely

writing is lonely business

and the more i try to fill up
this lack with a narrative
i create more lack
i try to grasp at any kind of border
to solidify or at least close up
the "place" i am trying to create
but the borders are outside of my reach

like some kind of mirage on a hot road
i see it from afar but the closer i get
to it the more it fades
and is gone
leaving me more room
to write with words that, to me,
lack any kind of substance