just a thought: a monday morning free-write

i am sitting here this morning watching the world wake up. i have always been a morning person...i think i inherited that from my father...who was born and reared on a farm. the mornings are when i "think" my best. my mind seems really alert, especially after a good night's rest. but it is also troubling as well...i have so much that i have to get done and it all seems so impossible for me, at the moment. i try to take things one step at a time but my mind likes to move ahead...creating future narratives of what my life may lead to. it's kind of scary. i go on the job market this september and i really don't have any high hopes for myself...it's not about getting a job...i can get a job doing almost anything...it's about finding and doing what i love. i love my research and i love working with these really cool ideas...writing is a little bit more torturous because it requires me to put these abstract ideas in a written, concrete form that always loses shape when taken out of the mind and placed into material existence...it is also open to scrutiny and dismissal. i think that i can handle the latter but i am having trouble with the former. ugh. but the best i can do is to try and work every single day...to take a very deep breath before plunging myself underwater to move ever so slowly against the currents of life.