well, i must say that this is turning out to be one hell of a day for various reasons.
1) sick most of the weekend
2) really, really, really, not feeling comfortable with my body or image
3) my class (that i teach) seemed more than quiet today...and for some reason their silence bugged me to no end...trying to tell myself that this is not a reflection of me but that conversation with myself isn't getting anywhere
4) talked to my mother...she has a case of the shingles ON HER HEAD
5) my father's pissed that he didn't get my card i sent him for his birthday
6) both my mother and father are not very happy with me right now because i haven't been home since xmas 2005
7) feeling terrible about myself because I DONOT particularly want to go home right now and that really bugs me...no sense of place whatsoever (this can probably be related back to the body image thing...i don't feel comfortable in any place)
8) i have wonderful people around me up here who care deeply and i am lucky to have them in my life (you know who you are) and i would be in very sad shape without them but i still feel incredibly sad. btw: the random "christian" reader who stumbles upon this blog entry...please don't comment about how jesus is the way, blah, blah, blah...because HE isn't any way and i hold his church responsible for alot of this rant...so don't waste your time with a comment cuz i'll just delete it without reading past the first sentence (wow can that sentence be any longer?)
9) feeling kind of guilty about crying in my beer but sometimes the violins make the most excellent music and for anyone who thinks they are above this kind of self talk...well what can i say, i guess i'm not strong enough and you are...congratulations.
10) my apartment is still a mess and i'm sick of living in my own abjectness but i just can't seem to do anything about it right now...i'm not the person that i once was...not that that was an improvement but it was better than what i'm living now.
11) today i just want to disappear
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"You can never predict what will happen when the body moves from dimension to dimension--sometimes it merges sometimes it shatters sometimes it dons overdetermined eye make-up and mimics Liza Minnelli." Dodie Bellamy, _The Letters of Mina Harker_, 139
About Me
- commodifiedqueer
- i am a professor, i teach rhetoric and writing, exploring queer spaces, cultural studies, feminism, race, ethnicity, animal rights, afro cuban art, diasopora, african amercian women writers, middle passage, slave narrative but to be quite honest i am always in a constant space of grief, oh and i should be trying to publish something, whatevs
1 comment:
You are crying in beer without me??????? I think that's obscene. When there is beer, there's Nikki.
(When there's someone who wants to spill their guts it's Nikki. Contrary to what you've heard, prefacing with "this is private" does keep a secret)
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