growing older

i think that i am getting older...i have been thinking a lot about relationships and the high probability that i will be single for the rest of my life. that used to scare me a lot...i mean, really scare me like a smiths or morrissey lyric---or something. but for no particular reason that i can think of, i woke up this morning thinking about my future...not next week "future" but 20-30 years from now (assuming that i make it that far) and i "feel" like i am going to be just fine. i've never really had this feeling without the typical undercurrent of panic. maybe it's maturity or perhaps something else...something deeply rooted like serenity or hopeless resignation...throwing my hands up in the air and sighing an "oh well." i'm not sure exactly "what" this is and i'm not sure if i want to figure it out. i think that i will just keep on the road that i am on right now...leaving myself open for any thing (good or bad) to happen...any horrible or wonderful thing. maybe i am understanding how the world works---or not. i just hope that if there is an afterlife it will be written by francesca lia block. i could spend eternity in fairy wings, eyeliner, ebony-purple hair, shiny lip gloss, and glitter...yeah, that would be pretty sweet.

and you ain't there...

And everyone in Balencia gowns with red corsages, and big dance palaces full of music and lights and racial impurity and gender confusion. And all the deities are creole, mulatto, brown as the mouths of rivers. Race, taste and history finally overcome. And you ain't there.

should i?

to blog or not to blog...now that is a question...

i mean...it's kind of like talking/writing to myself or talking/writing into the void only this void is on the internetz

maybe i should finish writing my dissertation on this blog...that would kind of cool

or not.

Chairlift - Bruises

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Every time I fell on you, yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for
you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Every time I fell on you, yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for

Chorus:

You-ooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...
So black and blue-oooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like...
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for

Chorus:

You-ooo etc...
For you-ooo etc....
So black and blue-ooo etc...
For you-oooo etc....

Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do
Do-doo-do-do-do

sunday memory

this morning i remembered how my grandmother used to recite the alphabet backwards

i remembered how amazed i was as a kindergartner at the sheer awesomeness of it all

i miss her tremendously

The Beautiful South - A Little Time

sad into unsad...

for lent...how people change

facebook

well i have now entered the ranks of 18 year old college students everywhere by getting a facebook page...

here are some things that i didn't foresee:

1) accepting students as friends...i won't ever accept current students but what about former ones...especially if those former ones can also become current in any given semester

2) totally getting friend requests from people i went to high school with...dude there is a reason why we have not stayed in touch why would having a facebook page be any different?

3) i have become preoccupied (to the point of a minor obsession) with checking my page at least 500xs a day

4) the potential for epic lulz by looking at student profiles who do not put their pages on private

why day friday

why IS 1 the loneliest number?

why aren't bush and cheney being tried for war crimes?

why do people drive like idiots when the weather conditions are so bad?

why do my neighbors always have to slam their damn doors?

and, inspired by the blog "what ladder?" (look to the left)

honestly, why HAVEN'T we had sex yet?

_the stand_

these are the images that go through my mind as i read this text

insert catchy title here

insert interesting and/or provocative text here

a hiatus?

i don't know....yeats said it best "things fall apart"

i guess we will see if i can start gluing these things back together again

but how many times can something be repaired before

it is rendered a lost cause?

ah, 2009, if anything...you are not failing me in your

absurd objective to disappointment

the violence of rhetorical silence

i believe that rhetorical silence can be violent. i think that i want to start doing research on the act of dismissiveness and of NOT talking...of actively ignoring. i have noticed how on many levels of my life i have been violently ignored by others as i myself have violently ignored. the act of actively ignoring is a way to claim power over one's body while also attempting to stabilize the ecology of one's established place.

and yet in actively ignoring a person some people make a point of NOT ignoring you. of asserting their selves upon you when you are clearly attempting to ignore them. this act of assertion is most definitely violent as well...a war that wages between speaking as intrusion and silence as defense and counter attack. in this latter example this rhetorical silence is reactionary...attempting to claim power over words levied against my "self" and at the same time quietly rebutting a rhetorical attack (unsurprisingly [in this instance] generated from 'straight' while male subjectivity).

because my silence is, in my mind, justifiable for solidifying and simultaneously protecting the borders of my self, others' reactionary silence and dismissiveness against me is most certainly and violently and absurdly reactionary. i saw one such person the other day. i turned my back, caught a reflection of this person in the window of the door i was staring at. the silence was thick and yet sharp and i could not help but feel the hatred radiating from their own narcissistic subject position. it's paradoxical. in a way, i don't care but yet in other ways i do. i care enough to write about it in the very least.

why day friday

1) why do i always feel like i'm running late even when i have no place to go?

2) why is annie lennox's song "why?" so damn good?

3) why does it seem so damn cold when we're supposed to be globally warming?

4) why is bush not being impeached?

first snow fall

why day friday

why is it that when my "gaydar" is off it's atrocious but when it's on it's perfect?

why is it a proven fact that every time a gay man fems it up a straight man cries?

why does george michael's voice still sound so good after all of that crack?

why is it that people with the most to live for commit suicide?

being thankful...srsly...

why day friday

why is it snowing so early this year?

why can't this economy just get over it?

why are jobs so hard to find and the price of gas is lower?

why are steven king novels so damn addicting?

why are vampires so cool?

why am i a geriatric goth and not a geriatric emo?

why day friday

why am i always being held to someone else's time frame?

why is it so difficult for me to be concise?

why do people use their car horns for doorbells?

why do i always misspell "definately"?

why do the smartest students never speak up?

why am i not impressed?

song for sad thursday

red house painters

"Uncle Joe"
-----------
Where have all the people gone in my life
I'm looking at the ceiling with an awful feeling of loss and of loneliness
The after late night television pain, I'm running out of strength
I'm running, running, running out of strength

And it feels so wonderful
To swim in our fears
And divide inseparable
The awakening of life

Oh, Uncle Joe, could you tell me about what you know?
Of being having mental problems and their solutions, too
I'll give anything a try once
I'll try anything three times
I don't care, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care

But there's no company
That can stand to be with me
So my dependency on you grows
And I am not very well read
And consider I will lose my heart
And can you spare me of my pain
Can't you spare me of my tears?

Oh, Uncle Joe
Uncle Joe
Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe

And suicide's intentional
When I spin in your fear
I am over-influenced
By movies
And you should've gone
To the fear
To my hope
The darkest hope
Did you know?
Lies become the sky
That's all gone
To the fear
To my hope
The darkest hope
Do you know?
Lies become the sky