growing older

i think that i am getting older...i have been thinking a lot about relationships and the high probability that i will be single for the rest of my life. that used to scare me a lot...i mean, really scare me like a smiths or morrissey lyric---or something. but for no particular reason that i can think of, i woke up this morning thinking about my future...not next week "future" but 20-30 years from now (assuming that i make it that far) and i "feel" like i am going to be just fine. i've never really had this feeling without the typical undercurrent of panic. maybe it's maturity or perhaps something else...something deeply rooted like serenity or hopeless resignation...throwing my hands up in the air and sighing an "oh well." i'm not sure exactly "what" this is and i'm not sure if i want to figure it out. i think that i will just keep on the road that i am on right now...leaving myself open for any thing (good or bad) to happen...any horrible or wonderful thing. maybe i am understanding how the world works---or not. i just hope that if there is an afterlife it will be written by francesca lia block. i could spend eternity in fairy wings, eyeliner, ebony-purple hair, shiny lip gloss, and glitter...yeah, that would be pretty sweet.