what to do

it is a snow day here in bloomington/normal illinois and in many ways i feel as if i

have won the lottery

an extra day

all to myself

but not really

there are many things that i should be doing

for instance

i should be sorting my dirty clothes

and, more importantly,

washing them

i should be working on three comp syntheses so

i can actually move forward toward graduation and

a job (if one really exists for me)

here's the problem as i reflect upon the various liabilities that are attached

to my character

i resist

even when things are going well i always feel that i am

walking under water against a current

slow, exhausting

i don't make descisions and

in this act of not making them they, in fact, are made

for me

by me

i haven't worked on my comps or my laundry because maybe

i don't want to get a ph.d.? or wear clean clothes? no

that's too simple

i can't think of anything else in this world that i do want to do

than to publish and teach at a university

and to also have clean clothes

but also

i can't think of anything else that i don't want to do either

i see myself being able to and not able to get through this program or

to go to the laundromat

i see myself being able to secure and not secure a job or a chore (if and when i finish)

at the same time

my limbs are inert but

my mind races

it's existential (which drives me crazy)

and material

at the same time

reactive and inertly proactive

wanting to speak and yet

having aphasia

maybe i have had too many traumas

or maybe i have

been let down or

abandoned too many times

wanting to live and die

at the same time

so i attempt to make sense of all of this

by writing a blog entry?