further adventures in dissertating

i try to feel excited about writing this diss because it symbolizes for me some kind of light at the end of a very, very, very, very long and dark tunnel. this diss is kind of like a boyfriend or sig. other that you love and hate at the same time...an intersection of total paradox where love and fear exist in the same moment. it takes a while to get used to that feeling. but it never stops though....as if after i'm done and i get a job there's tenure to worry about...there's publishing to worry about...there's the possible locations that you might be moving to that may or may not be better than where you are in the present. i have this urge to just drive to chicago and take my chances...i mean seriously we basically are born and then we die...i need to keep it interesting between those two points.

every intention

today is hot, i need to work, so the logical outcome is to write a blog post and procrastinate. i did get an ipod to help me stop the annoying and, of course, intrusive habit of eavesdropping on peoples' conversations while at the coffee shop. it seriously was a sad tactic of procrastinating...i would listen to anything...from how "judy's" work day went to "mark's" melancholy revolving around his lack of a dating life and how he will probably never, ever find anyoneblahblahblahblah...ahh sweet youth...(i must say that i am glad i have nipped (or has steve jobs done it) this bad habit in the bud...i was sinking low with no bottom in sight

some days i think that i have this dissertation under control and then all of a sudden it is too big for me to wrap my head around...again...it makes me want to cry but i don't have the energy. telling my parents and friends that i will be graduating in may 2011 has put the pressure on and at first it was a positive stress but now it is just eating me up...especially when my mom is saving to make the trip...oh well, back to dracula...meh

why day friday

ok i'm starting it back up:

why does johnny depp not age? seriously..it's kind of creepy

why does the old dude at the coffee shop not see the uncomfortable facial expressions of the women that he is hitting on? and fyi dude tuck in your shirt or don't but please for the love of god stop with the half tucked look

why do i feel panicked all of the time?

why do i look better on paper? i mean, really, a guy will ask me out on a date and then i never hear from him again

why can't i just feel comfortable with myself, books, poetry, and writing to keep me company?

why is enough really never enough?

why are my thumbs twitching as if there is something wicked coming?