But the way I see it is this: I can go to Target at 10:00 a.m. when there are no lines, and that, to me, is a great thing. I can choose to work at 8:00 a.m. or 11:00 p.m., and I can choose to teach summer school or not (well, not really, since I need the money, but it's still technically a choice); I can do much of my work in this hotel room or at the local coffee shop and am not bound to my window-less office. I ain't got it bad, and that's good. But it could alway be better . . .
i don't think that i need to be reminded of this at a better time. it's near the end of the summer and it's that time where you're in between student loans and starting the teaching work load. i hate the concept of money. i quess i could fool myself by saying that it's a "marxist" thing but really its a "i don't like to so i won't manage my money" kind of thing. very frustrating, not only for me but for my family cuz the no money thing prohibits me from going home very often...which, to be quite honest, i don't loose too much sleep over cuz the family really stresses me out anyway.
but, back to the topic at hand. i have often found myself wondering "what in the hell am i doing?" i quit a really good job (that i was getting burned out on but that's neither here nor there) to pursue a career in the academy. upon further reflection, i don't even think it's that. i think this was a way for me to get back to chicago. i mean, when the opportunity presented itself i thought "wow, this is great." what i didn't consider was the drastic change in life style. i'm entering my third year in this program and i still haven't gotten used to the life of a fulltime grad student (money issues aside). i mean, i can't even seem to manage my time. writing, for the most part, is excruciatingly difficult...not in the sense of a writer's block but in that i have all of these ideas swimming around in my head like little fishes and when i go to grap them they just slip out of my grasp...schooling in some dark corner of my mind. i'm also completely astounded at the amount of knowledge that i do not know that i probably, when all is said and done, cannot know and i become overwhelmed. i read texts and i think to myself what can i possibly contribute to any conversation.
i don't know what kind of ideal i had coming into this but, at this point, i can't see myself in the academic field....i can't see myself in anything at the moment. my therapist told me the other day..."it's ok to run away from something just as long as you have another something to run to." i think that's my problem, i don't think i have had anything in my life that i honestly wanted to run to.
but will's post did help me see that i could, at least if not temporarily, see the incredible amount of freedom that i will have in sculpting a niche in the academy that i would not otherwise have. perhaps, i need to create something to run to instead of looking for something to run to. i just hope that i will be able to do it.
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i'm also completely astounded at the amount of knowledge that i do not know that i probably, when all is said and done, cannot know and i become overwhelmed. i read texts and i think to myself what can i possibly contribute to any conversation.
I have this problem too - there is so much I don't know and I wonder how I can possibly put it all together and my papers these days seem to be little more than book reviews. I'm not sure if I know how to put it all together and I haven't read this and that, etc, and the list keeps getting longer and longer of things i haven't read but need to read. And it's like I was let into this program because, as a master's student, I made good progress, or at least progress that was good enough. But I'm not sure that my efforts are on the level of having a PhD, that there is no good enough anymore and I don't have what it takes to be truly brilliant - and all while I'm realizing this and getting deeper and deeper into debt, my headaches get worse, and I wonder, is this really worth $1200 a month? Can't I have some moments of self-realization that doesn't stem from being poor and in pain?
But maybe I would be poor and in pain anyway...
PS - I love your schools of fish. I think my fish-like and fishy thoughts school away and never come back.
I've got questions, but at least I've got Oren ;)
laura: always insightful and a wonderful peer to have in this program with me.
you do have wonderful ideas and yes i know they are like fish (tiny, tiny fish) that seem to lurk in some dark corners. i guess the trick is to NOT look for them? maybe they will just swim up to the surface...who knows, i (as well as we) am still trying to figure that out. make no mistake though, you are appropriate for this program...we just have to keep on going even at times like this.
it was funny as i was reading your comment i had the radio playing and on it aimee mann's "wise up" was playing. beautiful and true..."it's not going to stop until you wise up" wow, i wonder what or who is trying to tell me sumthin. ugggg!
I know nothing. I read and read and try to figure out what the hell I have to say about anything and who would care.
The thing is, this is all I know how to do.
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